Voice at 11:11

(video: "Missing You" by Diana Ross)






Since the last post which was a guest post, things have come up in my life that (1) find was to survive (2) an unexpected shock (3) holiday blues. Throughout these past weeks there have been some good things meeting to be thankful for

    - here's a day I wake up to begin a new day

    - so far my health 

    - my god sister -- being back in each other lives again

    - those who've taught me certain things giving me better clarity about myself (both positive & negative people)

I don't know who is into the number thing, lately I've been noticing the time 11:11either at home or somewhere else. It could be a.m. or p.m. but boom... there it is 11:11. Last week on the train on my way to getting my hair did (a cut I'm not happy with btw). A stranger (a woman sitting next to me) over heard me mumble aloud "huh? wha? I'm seeing 11:11 again??" This stranger tapped me on the shoulder proceeded to tell me, seeing those numbers repetitively means some sort of connection. An open door to another part of  who I am within myself... in a positive way. Usually whatever has been forgotten needs to be remembered. I was stumbling for words to respond because I was thinking to myself "great you did it again using your outside voice & not your inside my head voice... LoL" So I nodded, smiled and kind of slid away a teensy bit. 

I take out the last new book I purchased realizing I've been distracted to even finish reading that book. As I pull out the book to continue reading, the conductor makes announcements while the train pulls into the station. The woman before getting off says to me "you see 11:11 for a very important reason. Let your heart be in peace by letting go of all the pain. Reconnect with your spirit/your soul. Take a good look at your surroundings but mostly yourself. Take notice of whats REALLY going on within you and the world your in." Now I'm really at a lost for words, stunned, even felt a bit embarrassed but not offended. 

I am now at my destination going through my entire 'hair glam' day treatment ending in #fail. I see there was a message left on my phone but I didn't hear my phone ring? Ok well a message must have been left while on the subway earlier. It is bad news from a relative of someone I was in a relationship with (that didn't end well) that has passed away a few days prior. His relative did not want to have to leave me a voice message but felt I should know.  A numbing feeling hit me, I thought maybe they dialed the wrong number and left this sad news on the wrong voice mail so I played the message again and again and again... AND... AGAIN. Oh no it was meant for me... the time the message was left was 11:11am. 

Is this for real? What should I do? Do I return the call? Do I just show up where he lived? Why am I feeling like a chicken without its head? I stood there in the street with a puzzled look yet hitting the number on my phone that will automatically dial back the person who left the message. I expected to leave a message of my condolences followed by asking to email me funeral information, but there was a voice on the other end... "hello *annoyed sigh* HELLO!" I responded "um hi" they knew my voice, who I was and the conversation continued on. As we are talking, I am getting the details. I am thinking about our relationship, how we met, the good times and the bad ones. Then the woman on the train popped up in my mind... the time I looked up to see the time on the train 11:11 the exact time the voice mail was left. Who was she??

I have not had the feeling of wanting to update my blog. My mind has been on sort of a shut down, my emotions on this roller coaster of wearing a mask of denial one minute to ok no one is around take the mask off the next minute. Flashes of those kind and unkind words we said to each other in our relationship. Making the decision to ignore being told it is best for me not to attend the funeral.

I type this post finally at home today to attempt the first step to let go (inspired by @TheHopefulRom new post). Still unsure of wanting to get deep and post about the recent news I received before the holiday. Let alone about that particular relationship, but you wouldn't believe me when I tell you (I can't believe it myself right now) the time on my laptop... 11:11am.

By George I Think She's Got It!

(Soulmates by Natasha Beddingfield -- click below to listen while you read)









Today I woke up from another dream (I get those often from time to time) in waking up I couldn't fall back asleep. I look out the window see the dark sky drifting off watching the cars drive by on the highway. I remembered that today is my childhood best friend's birthday. Our families were the first to move into a newly developed middle class neighborhood. Gigs was my first friend in the neighborhood. He gave me my first kiss on the cheek  at the age of 2 and I gave him his first whack with my sippy cup. He was also my first puppy love / crush. The cool breath of the earth , the blue-orange haze coming through my window and warm memoires of a dearly missed childhood love has me unable to go back to drift into my dreams. I guess now is a good time to write something new for my 1st post.

Welcome to the new name "SOLEmates & The City, Memoirs of a HoneyB", revamped version of my blog when I first began. At first the direction of this blog was going to be like a news report "The HoneyB Buzz Chronicles" of being single AGAIN & starting the whole dating thing AGAIN -- eh, that would be too time consuming and a headache. Then I thought well this blog can be in way a love letter format but I thought after awhile what if it gets tiresome, played out, confusing or come off real cornballish to the readers. In no way do I "officially" classify myself as a journalist or professional blog writer... yet *chuckles* at least not for now *wink*.

Blessed enough to inherit the best part of my family's DNA allows me the freedom to further develop & expand in all areas of my life. I do have other creative talents which may or may not be mentioned in later posts. The key thing to restarting my blog is to write about what I know, how I am feeling at that particular moment, and the things I appreciate most. Just a natural expression of myself and real experiences be it personal or by association.

What I know:
I am a "Sex & the City"  combined "Bohemian & the Islands" type of woman with an eclectic taste for life. I am soft & pink  & yes a bit feisty with dominate tendencies which may come off brutal some times. Being single can be liberating, means a clean slate, a time to self reflect, a better chance to get to know yourself, re-focus on your direction with your career and make more of your own money to secure your future. Now here's the thing, all that is great believe me it really is. I need to admit & be allowed to say to you that being single does get lonely.

How I am feeling:
Well put it this way why can't I have it all? a woman who is independent, a woman knows exacting what I want in this life, a woman who knows exactly who I am meant to be in this life, a woman who knows exactly what I want to do for a living & succeed at it and a woman with the right to be careful about the type of man I want to settle down, have children & spend my life with. I get annoyed when people tell me "oh you're too picky that's why things never work out for you. Its not like you're getting any younger" . Ugh,!!!! *straight up middle finger* so OK  the solution is to what... settle with someone in hopes of what...
     * that one day I will be in love with him
     * that one day in our relationship I hope to see myself falling in love with him
     * be in a relationship out of obligation or wanting a child before its too late
     * even with the stigmata of  regrets I'm in this relationship so I'll just stick it out

... uh yeah... don't think so. I call that desperate love or convenience not real love.

Things I love:
Love being a woman its a beautiful thing and not afraid to show it. Love that I grew up in the barrios of NYC. Love that I AM struggling and STILL remain positive & optimistic about my life. Love the wide range of arts, vibrant cultures & lifestyles that exists through out the city. Love the fact that I can go further with honey than with vinegar in any situation. Love men who are not afraid to grow & build with a independent, confident, goal-oriented, sensual woman. Love a great pair of shoes -- there are a variety of styles, shapes, sizes, colors, $$$ -- like men, they both should have style, quality, make you feel comfortable, the right fit,  and compliments your personality.
If you happened to accidentally come across this blog, been referred, or follow me on twitter or facebook. I really appreciate you for taking the time to read this and look forwarding to having you stop by next time.

(Happy Birthday "Gigs"  memories of our paths crossing in this life will always be in my heart. R.I.P.)



"Carpe Diem Today"

xoxo,
S.A.T.C.