Since the last post which was a guest post, things have come up in my life that (1) find was to survive (2) an unexpected shock (3) holiday blues. Throughout these past weeks there have been some good things meeting to be thankful for
- here's a day I wake up to begin a new day
- so far my health
- my god sister -- being back in each other lives again
- those who've taught me certain things giving me better clarity about myself (both positive & negative people)
I don't know who is into the number thing, lately I've been noticing the time 11:11either at home or somewhere else. It could be a.m. or p.m. but boom... there it is 11:11. Last week on the train on my way to getting my hair did (a cut I'm not happy with btw). A stranger (a woman sitting next to me) over heard me mumble aloud "huh? wha? I'm seeing 11:11 again??" This stranger tapped me on the shoulder proceeded to tell me, seeing those numbers repetitively means some sort of connection. An open door to another part of who I am within myself... in a positive way. Usually whatever has been forgotten needs to be remembered. I was stumbling for words to respond because I was thinking to myself "great you did it again using your outside voice & not your inside my head voice... LoL" So I nodded, smiled and kind of slid away a teensy bit.
I take out the last new book I purchased realizing I've been distracted to even finish reading that book. As I pull out the book to continue reading, the conductor makes announcements while the train pulls into the station. The woman before getting off says to me "you see 11:11 for a very important reason. Let your heart be in peace by letting go of all the pain. Reconnect with your spirit/your soul. Take a good look at your surroundings but mostly yourself. Take notice of whats REALLY going on within you and the world your in." Now I'm really at a lost for words, stunned, even felt a bit embarrassed but not offended.
I am now at my destination going through my entire 'hair glam' day treatment ending in #fail. I see there was a message left on my phone but I didn't hear my phone ring? Ok well a message must have been left while on the subway earlier. It is bad news from a relative of someone I was in a relationship with (that didn't end well) that has passed away a few days prior. His relative did not want to have to leave me a voice message but felt I should know. A numbing feeling hit me, I thought maybe they dialed the wrong number and left this sad news on the wrong voice mail so I played the message again and again and again... AND... AGAIN. Oh no it was meant for me... the time the message was left was 11:11am.
Is this for real? What should I do? Do I return the call? Do I just show up where he lived? Why am I feeling like a chicken without its head? I stood there in the street with a puzzled look yet hitting the number on my phone that will automatically dial back the person who left the message. I expected to leave a message of my condolences followed by asking to email me funeral information, but there was a voice on the other end... "hello *annoyed sigh* HELLO!" I responded "um hi" they knew my voice, who I was and the conversation continued on. As we are talking, I am getting the details. I am thinking about our relationship, how we met, the good times and the bad ones. Then the woman on the train popped up in my mind... the time I looked up to see the time on the train 11:11 the exact time the voice mail was left. Who was she??
I have not had the feeling of wanting to update my blog. My mind has been on sort of a shut down, my emotions on this roller coaster of wearing a mask of denial one minute to ok no one is around take the mask off the next minute. Flashes of those kind and unkind words we said to each other in our relationship. Making the decision to ignore being told it is best for me not to attend the funeral.
I type this post finally at home today to attempt the first step to let go (inspired by @TheHopefulRom new post). Still unsure of wanting to get deep and post about the recent news I received before the holiday. Let alone about that particular relationship, but you wouldn't believe me when I tell you (I can't believe it myself right now) the time on my laptop... 11:11am.
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