Well it's New Year's Eve, the last day of the year 2010 an hour left before rolling into a New Year. The day I will finish off releasing old habits, letting go of the past, cleansing my soul and preparing for the year to come. Some of you may know from FB or twitter, I have been physically sick (going on week 2 now) with this damn flu and my bronchial asthma. Slowly (very slow) but surely I am getting better.
Within the two weeks I have been to my doctor for check ups but also as the year comes to an end, this month particularly, I have been going through a spiritual check up. This particular post should have been posted back in November, a few days after Thanksgiving Day, but I was unable to do it. Emotionally, I really wasn't ready for this. Every time I began to type I would freeze up, break down into these deep painful cries or feel this anger stir up within me causing me to shut down altogether focusing elsewhere. I have come to realization that time is right, I need to do this in order to be healthy, today I am ready.
{*pheeeeew* Ok... well... here I go...}
It has been some time since I have been able to write and post on this blog... a VERY LONG time since I felt any real inspiration to write anything or to be creative period. I had given up on my creativity, my passion, my talents, my love, my hope... my heart. I was basically giving up on who I am and the fact that I am worthy of my blessings.
From childhood to now (2010), subconsciously I was dealing with a heart condition. My arteries were clogged, I had trouble knowing the difference between hurting relationships and healthy relationships.
What I learned five years ago was the power of forgiveness and how powerful that word can be. The first step towards forgiveness is forgiving myself. But did I? Did I really forgive myself for everything, did I really forgive those I needed to forgive--completely?? Now I had to admit and face the TRUTH of the possibility that there is still some stuff in my heart that could still be causing all kinds of uncertainties in my life and holding on to leftover unhealthy relationships/nonproductive situations. Facing this truth, was an unpleasant reflection of myself as well as how do I remove the little that remained that was clogging my arteries. How do I remove years of what infected my heart to begin with, which became an illness upon my soul? At first I thought to myself " pffft there is no set solution to this" then I heard a soft whisper "yes... yes there is but you don't trust me or spend time with me long enough to let me heal you". Then I remembered my favorite book of Psalms 34:1-22, so I began to read.... I cried. Then I remembered Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths..."
{side note} As I sit here typing what I said, being such a private person, I feel exposed having to share this in the open. I want to shut down again and stop but my fingers continue to type away. Not to mention my soul won't allow me to stop, that's a good thing.
Ok so I mention that 5 years ago, I learned about forgiveness. Which meant the first 2 people I forgave just for the sake of saying ok I can cross them off my forgiving list, was mi madre and mi padre. That was years ago, I realized now that I really didn't at least not completely forgive them. After reading a few chapters from the good book, I said a small prayer then began to write a letter to my parents. It's not a letter I need to physically give to them {I did that already, boy was that a bumpy emotional year for me}. This letter to them was more for me. This is about breaking the emotional destructive patterns in my life that was doing some damage emotionally and somewhat towards my health.
First, mi madre, the woman to be the first in teaching me in an indirect unhealthy way of how to relate to people and deal with life... not knowing how to be a nurturer... not knowing how to love fall in love with myself... not knowing how to be passionate... being defensive to protect myself. Most of my life, *hmph* well to be honest since in my mother's womb, my heart has been infected by unhappiness and destructive words. Hurtful words said to my mother that her unborn child (me) I believe could hear those words too. Unbalanced, unhealthy feelings of love aka rejection and abandonment she felt, that partially took away her joys of becoming a mother, yes her unborn child (me) felt as well. She too had years of living with clogged arteries, probably won't admit that she still does. Yes there were the few books left on my bed in my bedroom or handed to me when I was a teen but books where not enough. How could she pass off a book to me when I can see a complete contradiction within her.
Most importantly, I forgive those responsible for stripping my mother over the years of her true identity. I even forgive them for not showing my mother how much of a talented beautiful woman she is, who is worth receiving so much more than she could ever understand and rightfully deserves. Through these tears -- I am being cleansed.
Second, mi padre is the man who I first loved I'm daddy's little girl, that being said he was the first man to abandon me and also the first man to break my heart. At the time when a girl needs her father the most. Entering the hardest part of my teen years--15, my father hit me with the news that he and my mother decided to separate and he will be moving out. I felt my heart shrivel up, cracking into pieces. I found myself laughing aloud saying to my father "yeah right it took you and mummi this long?" when my father walked out of my room. I thought to myself what happen; what is it about my mother you are willing to just walk away from; is that easy for you to walk out of my life and my brother too; what did we do wrong? Later on when I found out the reasons for the years of my parents harsh words towards each other, physical battles against each other and the dismissal of how my brother and I felt. Pieces of my heart broke off I was so angry at my father for the way he broke my mother's heart, hurting my brother and for being the first man to betray me--his daughter.
So I finally finally got it right, in my second letter to him. I forgave my father for abandoning me. I forgave my father for not only betraying my mother and betraying my brother but also how he betrayed me. I forgave my father for being the first man to tear my heart apart when he agreed to separate from his family, packed his bags and moved out. Mi Padre is not a horrible man, he is an intelligent and hard working man. I no longer hate his ways and no longer hate the mistakes he made. I do have love for him too. I forgive him even now as an adult child for not keeping a consistent relationship with my brother and myself the way a father should with his children. I forgive that he did not show or expressed when I was younger being proud to have me for a daughter or that he even loved me {which now the times we speak to each other he does express it}. I forgive myself for not completely being truthful with what was ailing my heart by not forgiving my father completely. Through these tears -- I am being cleansed.
For awhile as an adult I wondered how did my parents love go from matrimony to acrimony. Having a small glimpse my parents childhood along with the realities of their marriage, I have an idea in fact I understand. Funny thing is I forgave them for not exactly be the best examples of love, a relationship between a man and a woman, friendship and marriage. I forgive my parents who both did the best they could with the emotional tools that was provided to them from their childhood through out their adulthood. As the tears slow down -- I am being cleansed.
Earlier today I was able to have closure with an ex-boyfriend even ran into another ex-boyfriend. The universe was having ball with me, I guess there was closure there too. After the very long much needed talk we ended up not checking out a movie together like we planned but we mutually left each other with peace in our hearts and a chapter completely closed -- I was cleansed.
Just before the Thanksgiving holiday someone I loved that was in a long relationship with passed away, I went to visit his grave today too. I apologized for my part in the way we hurt each other and the immature way I would respond in our arguments. It was unhealthy, I was wrong and I apologized -- I was cleansed.
I don't have to tolerate nor accept the toxic behavioral patterns or show them. There are things that about the people or the situations I have been in. I don't regret them because the woman I am today I can say I am thankful for the lessons I needed to learn. I've learned how to counter act in a positive, constructive and healthy way. The NEW reflection is attract healthy relationships, healthy love, uninhibited passions, great experiences and a prolific life.
It is remarkable of the strength I have, I shock myself at times. I still have SO MUCH LOVE in my heart to give and to share. So with my recent spiritual check up {definitely not my last}, I understand the importance to constantly check the motives of my heart. 2011 you and I are going to have a good time getting to know each other.
"Carpe Diem Today"
xoxo,
S.A.T.C.
